Why Your Dog Is Secretly Judging You By Kero, Professional Evaluator of Human Decisions

 

Humans have a fascinating belief.

You think you're the ones in charge.

I don't know who started this rumour, but it has gotten wildly out of hand.

The truth is that dogs spend an astonishing amount of time observing humans.

Especially Shiba Inus.

We're not like Labradors.

Labradors think everything is wonderful.

A Labrador could watch someone accidentally lock themselves out of their own house and still think:

"What a fantastic day!"

Shibas are different.

We evaluate.

We analyze.

We judge.

Constantly.

And after years of careful observation, I have reached several conclusions.

Your Outfit Choices Are Concerning

Humans spend money on clothing.

A lot of money.

Then you wear the same sweatpants three days in a row.

Why?

You own seventeen pairs of shoes.

Yet somehow choose the least attractive option every single time.

I've seen you leave the house looking like a perfectly respectable member of society.

I've also seen you go grocery shopping looking like a sleep-deprived raccoon.

I notice these things.

We Know When You're Pretending To Exercise

I see you.

Putting on workout clothes.

Taking selfies.

Stretching dramatically.

Walking around for ten minutes.

Then return home and reward yourself with snacks.

Interesting strategy.

Very little chasing is involved.

As predators go, humans are disappointing.

We Know You're Talking About Us

Humans seem convinced dogs don't understand conversations.

Yet every time you say words like:

"Vet."

"Bath."

"Nail trim."

Or my personal favourite...

"Diet."

I suddenly became the topic of discussion.

Coincidence?

I think not.

The Vacuum Situation

I'd like to discuss your relationship with the vacuum.

You purchased a machine specifically designed to remove dirt from the floor.

Then you panic every time I shed.

What exactly was the plan here?

You invited a Shiba into your home.

We shed.

The vacuum should have known what it was signing up for.

The Food Situation

You have some truly bizarre eating habits.

You spend thirty minutes preparing food.

Take pictures of it.

Stare at it.

Discuss it.

Then eat it.

If I find food, I simply eat it.

It's called efficiency.

Your Decision-Making Process

One of my favourite hobbies is watching humans make decisions.

You will spend six months researching a television.

Three months researching a toaster.

Four weeks of comparing lawn fertilizers.

Then, adopt a puppy after seeing one photo online.

Remarkable.

No notes.

Actually, many notes.

But mostly because I enjoy taking notes.

We Know When You're Sad

Now, despite all this judging, there is one thing dogs notice that humans rarely understand.

We know when you're having a hard day.

We notice when your routine changes.

We notice when you're quieter than usual.

We notice when you're stressed.

When you're frustrated.

When you're sad.

We may not understand every reason.

But we notice.

Which is why you'll often find us sitting beside you.

Not because we're trying to fix anything.

Because we're part of your pack.

And sometimes being present is enough.

Don't get emotional about that.

It's embarrassing for everyone.

Things I Judged This Week

To give you a better understanding of my workload:

• The mailman

• The vacuum

• A squirrel

• A second squirrel

• The same squirrel again

• Mom's choice of footwear

• Dad's inability to share snacks

• The weather

• The neighbour's landscaping

• Yeti

Especially Yeti.

Kero's Final Wisdom

Are dogs secretly judging you?

Absolutely.

Relentlessly.

Professionally.

With great dedication.

But here's the important part.

We judge because we care.

And because some of your decisions genuinely raise questions.

Many questions.

For example:

Why are you reading a blog written by a dog?

Actually, don't answer that.

I'm afraid of the answer.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to continue my daily inspection of household activities.

Mom just walked into another room.

Without permission.

Suspicious.

Very suspicious.

Kero
Chief Judge of Human Behaviour, Squirrel Surveillance Officer, and Keeper of Unsolicited Opinions 🐾